Thursday 28th February 2019
“Even rats can only be kicked around for so long before they’ve had enough” — Joe Cowley
People say I have coped with this journey really well, and that’s a nice compliment that I take a lot from. I’ve dealt with it well by thinking positively, but more importantly, I cope well when I have a goal or date/times/schedules to look to, or when I am prepared for the way ahead. I like to have a good idea of what will happen, and when, then I feel in control.
I came into Cycle 3 partly cocky that I knew what was going to happen on a day by day basis, because I’ve done it 2 times already of course, and partly expecting it to be a degree worse than the last two cycles. I’d mentally prepared for it to be just a degree worse, but in reality the hit has gone up a number of levels, and it’s more prolonged. So back to my theory of coping. I feel far worse than I expecting, and it’s not gone to plan in terms of duration. That’s been a massive sucker punch this last week.
The last 2 days have continued to be physically difficult. It’s eased off a little, but I’m still getting tired too easily, mores than previous cycles. I spent nearly all day yesterday on the sofa with the exception of spending half an hour or so tinkering with a bike I’ve picked up as a gift for someone. Same today, I’ve just been sat most of the day, except for going into the shopping centre for half an hour and getting a few things done. I was too tired last night to blog again, I genuinely couldn’t be bothered picking up the laptop. I felt the same tonight but just got on with it.
Mentally it’s taken it’s toll for a range of reasons. I’ve said all along work has helped keep me busy and engaged, but I’ve not been able to get back this week despite expecting to do so at some point. It’s frustrating and annoying getting out of breath for menial things, but when it goes on 3 (possibly more yet) days longer than you were prepared for and it’s not going away, it’s depressing. Worst of all I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything, and whilst this isn’t about accomplishing things each day other than getting through it, it helps keep positive. Up to now I’d been doing bits and bobs along the way. My appetite is still playing up too. Food has been a source of enjoyment when my taste has been all there, but again this week it’s been the opposite to an extent.
I’m still acutely aware that others who have gone through this journey have faced far worse, full on nausea and needing to sleep more hours in the day than they are awake for example. But relative to my journey, this last 7 days has been the hardest so far and I’m a bit down about it. It’s temporary, but as I keep saying, the great thing here is that once it passes, that should be it given I’m 8 days from my last treatment. Each day it continues though, it just grinds you down a little.
I’ve not had many whinges but consider that a good old whine, including today’s quote. I’ve had enough now, but I’ll still go to bed hoping I wake up with the spring back in my step 🙂 and remember how close to the finishing line I am.
I’m off to hospital for the day tomorrow again for the penultimate chemo, 8.40am bloods, 9.40am Dr appt, 1.30pm chemo for an hour. I hope I’m lucky again and get in a few hours early for the chemo as a 4 hour wait isn’t particularly appealing, and the way I’ve been feeling this last week I’ll be sleepy about lunchtime. Usually I’d spend a good portion of that time eating or thinking where to eat !
On tomorrow’s visit I’m particularly interested to see how my bloods are, red/haemoglobin this time to see if it explains the tiring easily. Also, to ask if it was deliberate or an oversight that I didn’t get any steroids when I was discharged last week, and if that will have added to the fun this time around. In my head, there must be a reason it’s hit harder this time. It won’t help, but I’m a curious kitty.
Phil's BEP Chemo Journey 