Sunday 24th February 2019
“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time” — Bertrand Russell

This weekend has been tough, I’ve been feeling the strain of the cumulative effect of the chemo’s. Saturday started after another long sleep, 9 1/2 hours again, which has become a regular amount. It’s a little like groundhog day, I could almost copy / paste these blogs at the moment.

I stayed in bed until around 11am, and then got up. I did the whole optimistically trying to be active in the hope it might make me feel better, and it was ok to an extent. Luke and I did some more painting and sanding outside in the sun, but not as much as the day before as a) there wasn’t as much to do and b) I wasn’t feeling it, tiring incredibly easily. We wrapped up and went inside, where I pretty much sat on my butt for the rest of the day.

All day I had a bit of a sore throat and a headache. My temperature was ok, and it didn’t get any worse. I did ring the helpline in the morning, just being cautious. They said to call 111 or go to a walk in if I was in discomfort, but were not too concerned. I couldn’t get in anywhere, nowhere nearby had any appointments, so I just soldiered on.

About 6pm, I was completely wiped out and had a nap on the sofa as usual, but unusually I slept for 2 hours pretty easily. I was still tired and lethargic when I woke up. I honestly couldn’t be bothered to pick up my laptop and write the blog, so I decided to roll Saturday and Sunday into one and write it today instead. The nap meant I wasn’t completely tired at bedtime, and I stayed up until midnight.

Like clockwork, another 9 1/2 hours later I woke up Sunday morning t 9.30am. Still a little bit of a sore throat, feeling dehydrated and generally tired. I knew from walking around to the toilet and back today would be a struggle.

Jayne and the boys were going down to the park on their bikes with the dog, and very unusually, I declined to go. I knew I wouldn’t handle it. Instead, with it being really sunny again, I decided to mow the front lawn, thinking getting the blood flowing with a bit of walking up and down might sort me out and perk me up. Unfortunately it didn’t. Usually its a 10 minute job, maximum. Today, I needed 4 rest stops where I literally sat on the floor with my head in my hands recovering. This is as bad as the “getting physically tired without actually doing a lot” has been. It makes me not want to do anything at all, which is quite defeatist for me but a reflection of current reality.

I put the lawnmower away, then just sat in the back garden in the sun until the football started. From 2pm to 6pm, I barely moved off the sofa. Jayne kindly went shopping without me, and cooked our roast beef dinner with no help, so I could rest.

I’ve struggled with food again today, 2 weetabix for breakfast, a couple of microwaved Hollands pies for lunch. Then with a gorgeous roast dinner infront of me, I managed about half of it despite my eyes wanting to eat it all and more. My stomach continues to play up, and I reached a point with my tea where I felt like I would start to feel sick if I ate any more.

After the roast dinner, straight back to the sofa to sit and write the blog. I won’t be doing much else tonight but sitting and doing not much. I haven’t had a nap today and I’m struggling a bit now. I might make it til 10pm, but I’ll be out like a light.

As much as I’ve had the physical tiredness yesterday and today, I’ve struggled mentally a fair bit too. I struggled to concentrate on the football earlier. I’ve been playing a word game on my phone and it’s seemed more difficult than usual. Part of the reason I didn’t blog last night was that I didn’t have the mental capacity to sit and write, and I’m similar today. This one won’t be the best one I’ve written, it feels a bit like a chore today. (In fact, I just proof read what I’ve written and it was riddled with errors, assuming I’ve spotted them all!)

I doubt in this state I’ll make it to the usual plan of working from home tomorrow. In cycle 1 I managed it on the Monday, in cycle 2 I managed to get back to work by the Tuesday, both seem really optimistic at this point. I’m guessing tomorrow will be another hardly budge from the sofa day. Jayne is working from home so can keep an eye on me, and I’ll just take it from there. Bar a miracle occurring overnight.

To quickly cover the list of weekend symptoms, here we go. Tinnitus, as always. Fuzzy hearing on Saturday, worse Sunday. Incredibly dry skin and lips, copious amounts of hand cream and lipsyl used as usual. Sore throat / headache, I’d say I have a very minor bug, the type that wouldn’t normally register. Taste has gone again making food less enjoyable. Tiredness, in spades. Lack of appetite continues, hasn’t bridged the gap to nausea yet but it feels like it’s come close. Heartburn, occasional and solved with Gaviscon. Finger sensitivity to hot/cold remains, still hurts a little to open a can of coke but not impossible, no worse than it has been. My nose, having recovered mostly, is back to being sore inside and bleeding most times I blow my nose. It’s quite a list now, but I’m thankful it’s a manageable list and still could be much worse. It won’t be long before hopefully I can take this list and start to cross things off as we go.

I have as you know been reluctant to simply “waste” time, as in fill time with menial things just to pass the time. This weekend I’ve not really had a choice, and I’ve accepted that it was necessary, so it hasn’t actually felt like a waste. It really helps that this is the last weekend where I should feel this crap, so passing the time feels like a means to an end at this point. 7 weeks down, 2 weeks to go…